On entering the School of Mathematics this morning a life sized zebra and antelope was found blocking the entrance to the Game Theory Department. Whilst we welcome this contribution to our research, Game Theory has not until this morning involved the investigation of animals from Africa, or any other animals for that matter. The said items can be collected from the Head of Schools office.

Health and Saftey Policy - Risk Assessments

...You are required to carry out a Health & Safety risk assessment for every situation where students, employees of the University, contractors and visitors may be exposed to University property, or are required to carry out an activity in the university confines. Additionally field trips and visits involving....

"Hello HR Admin"
"Hi it's platothefish here"
"Oh dear, please wait a minute whilst I contact my supervisor"
"What for?"
"It's just that...."
"I only want to ask a question"
"er - ok I suppose that will be ok"
"do you mean safe?"
"sorry?"
"Never mind. Now this health and safety policy you sent out this morning. Can I just check something?"
"Of course" (sounds relieved)
"I just want to check something. The way this is worded it seems to be saying that a risk assessment needs to be carried out if any human being does anything that is in anyway attached or connected university business or property."
"Oh no I am sure that's not the case"
"OK have you got the policy there?
"Of course" (sound of frantic paper sorting)
"So if I teach in a lecture theater do I have to carry out a risk assessment for example, according to the policy that is"
"I think so yes"
"OK and going by the policy if I am in my office I need to carry out a risk assessment?"
"ER yes I suppose so"
"Ok and if I have to file some paper in my filing cabinate I also have to carry out a risk assessment"
"Er well, I suppose if you follow the policy, strictly speaking, yes, but..."
"Ok so what about me. as an employee of the university of course using a piece of equipment at the university for example?"
"Oh yes that would defiantly be included. No doubt about that" (sounding more confident)
"So a piece of equipment like this telephone for example?"
"ER Oh dear"
"And if I happen, just going by this of course, to go to the toilet, a university provided toilet of course, then I would also have to carry out a risk assessment?"
"Oh dear, if you go by this then yes it does look like it doesn't it?"
"It certainly does"
"Indeed every act now appears to need a risk assessment."
"I see what you mean. I hadn't quite seen it like that."
"Ok can you tell your boss that I will have to cancel all my research and teaching for the rest of the term."
"Why?"
"To fill in all the risk assessments needed. I wouldn't want to breach university policy. I might get suspended or something."
"I will let her know your concerns. I think that there has been a mistake with the wording of the policy"
"I look forward to hearing from her. I am sorry I need to dash as I need to fill in a risk assessment so that I can open the three doors I need get through to get out of my office and go home for the weekend. I will email you the 5 or 6 I will need to get into work on Monday."
"Oh dear"

Re-organisation paper
"As part of the reorganisation it has been decided that because nanotechnology is only small, it would make sense in terms of economies of scale, to merge it with biotechnology"...

I can't wait to hear what they will do with cosmology.

Can someone answer the question of how the papers on the Tribalism Module of the proposed Organisational Culture Course that were sent to Teaching Committee this week had all of the references to tribalism changed to 'cannibalism' without anyone noticing? The module has of course been returned for corrections to be made...

Dear Dr. Platothefish

The Teaching Committee have returned your course description and materials. There is some concern about a case study you intend to use entitled 'Uses and Abuses of Power - Sole Use'. You may recall that the case study is a about a 'fictitious' Vice-Chancellor who requisitions the most elaborate and beautiful room at the Old Hall in the University and decrees that no one else is allowed to use the room apart from her. All other meetings booked for the room have to be rearranged or cancelled even if the room is not being used.
As we have such a room in the University and it's use has been restricted to Vice-Chancellor functions only it was felt that this was not a suitable subject for discussion with the students. You are therefore requested to construct another fictitious case study for use with your class.

Professor Plum
Dean of Learning and Preaching

Ring ring...
"Hello, Platothefish here, Ambiguity Faculty"
"Er hello, er is that, er, sorry, um the training department, please?"
"Hang on I'll have a look.... nope"
"Sorry?"
" I said no it's not the training department, I think that you have the wrong number"
"Oh I am awfully sorry er....."
"Yes?"
"Well you see I wanted, I am so sorry, to cancel my place on the er, um assertiveness workshop tomorrow"
"Oh, why is that?"
"Well er, it's a little bit difficult you see"
"Really"?
"Yes you see my, er, boss won't let me go I am afraid".
"Oh? You sound like the ideal candidate".
"Sorry?"
"Never mind"
"So I can't go, er you see, so I was, er ringing up to cancel"
"So let me get this straight. You can't make the assertiveness course because your boss said that you can't go?"
"Er yes, but now I, er, have dialled the, er wrong number, you see."
"That's ok. Listen what would happen if I said that you could attend"?
"Really"????
"Yes of course you can"
"But, er, oh dear. Do you think that it would be alright"?
"Yes of course"
"But my boss......"
"Is your boss there now"?
"Oh no he is away on a conference."
"Will he be there tomorrow?"
"Oh no he's not back until Monday".
"So go then"
"But..."
"Look by the time your boss gets back, you will be assertive and will be able to tell him where to go".
"Oh I see your point, it's only, er, he can get very nasty you know. My wife keeps telling me to stand up to him, but you know how it is, it's very difficult...."
"Ok let's do it this way. Your boss isn't here right now is he?"
"Er, no..."
"So I am giving you permission as someone who is here for you to do the course"
"Really????"
"Yes, really"
"Oh thank you so much. I was so worried about this, cancelling at such a late date and all that. Thank you so much.Er just one thing though..."
"Yes?"
"Won't I get into trouble"?
"No tell your boss that I said it was ok"
"Fantastic, thank you"
"Ok bye, enjoy the course, where is it being held?"
"In the forum"
"Where in the forum"?
"In Greengate Street".
"Where's that?"
"Oh right next door"
"Er Can I just ask where you are?"
"In Barrow-in- Furness of course"
"Barrow??"
"Yes"
"Who do you work for?"
"The council..."
"Oh that's ok then, yes tell them that Platothefish says it's fine."
"Thank you so much. I am glad that I spoke to you".
"Not half as glad as I am, Bye."
"Bye thank you again"
Ahmen

1025am
A large sign has appeared on the fencing surrounding the works of the Vice-Chancellor's Office block where workmen are strengthening the foundations of that block. The sign says "To view the philosophical foundations of the university please enter". We have not been able to remove the sign yet due to it's height. Please note that access into this area is not permitted for members of staff or students as this is a health and safety issue.


1035am
The last message was sent in error and should read
A large sign has appeared on the fencing surrounding the works of the Vice-Chancellor's Office block where work-persons....

The health care dept. has had to close due to a gastric illness. Every one is advised to ensure that their personal cleanliness is of the highest standard at this time to prevent the illness spreading. Anyone who has been in contact with the Health Care Dept. is asked not to go the the University Medical Department but to see their own private doctor if they have any concerns.

Approximately two dozen live chickens were found by security in the accounts office this morning. Each chicken had a colour photocopy of an 'Egg' credit card attached to one leg and a photograph of the Vice-Chancellors official new Lexus car attached to the other leg . We think that this was a protest at the budget restriction imposed at the start of the year to help to re-balance the Universities books before the year end. From the state of the office and the number of eggs found it would appear that the chickens must have been in the office since Friday. If anyone has any idea who did this or where the chickens came from please notify HR.

To Platothefish
From: Professor xxxxx
Subject: Scorecards
Plato I have just had this email. I know one of your things is teaching quality or rather the lack of it. Do you know anything about this? A number of staff have had these. The ones who got good marks, 5/10 and above are ok. A couple with 1 and 2/10 are kicking up a storm. I am not sure that we want to promote student power (which is another one of your 'things') at the moment.

email:

Hi Jake,
I have just finished a lecture and the students handed me a sealed envelope, inside was a score card with marks out of 10 for my last lecture, my teaching style, sense of humour, ease of understanding, boredom factor and a whole load more. I was a little perplexed. When I spoke to other members of the faculty they also have had these score cards. Where are they coming from? Are they official? They are properly printed. My final comment was 'Out to lunch'. What does this mean?

To: All Staff
From: Human Resources (Communications)
Subject: Effective Communication Workshop

Please note that the effective communication workshop has been cancelled because the emails sent to some of the delegates did not arrive on time and those that did arrive omitted the venue details, which hadn't been booked due to a clerical error.

XXXXxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Head of Communications (HR)

Hi Plato,
I don't think anyone has noticed yet but the happy new year piece on the front of the uni's website has now got a grim reaper instead of old father time. Nice one. Happy new year!

"Welcome back Plato. You have been missed by everyone except probably the bean counters, admin and the senior management. Now I mention these three because I have been approached by all three of them over the last week. HR have asked that you are controlled properly, words like 'off the wall', 'makes life hard' and 'dangerous', were used. The other two both mentioned that 'openly questioning and showing up the decisions made' is 'awkward'. The message from them is for you to behave and tow the line.
One senior manager did mention the fact that your students catch your 'sense of humour and brand of critical thinking' and suggested that you 'concentrate on instilling discipline and teaching your subject. The problem is now that we can't tell if a 'stunt' is his or a students and we even suspect other members of staff of colluding and questioning the status quo'.
An example given were the posters that appeared last week advertising the Directorate Christmas Party - all friends welcome. To be held in the telephone box next to the university Vice Chancellors Office. It is no longer safe to assume that you are directly responsible.

The message quietly and privately from the rest of the university is to keep going. Merry Christmas Plato.

Hi Plato,
I must say that buying a dozen ducks for a family in the third world for Christmas for the Deputy VC is a very generous gift. Putting live copies of all twelve of them in his office last night might not have been the best career move ever. I had no idea that duck poo could go that far!

Whilst everyone else thinks that it is funny and has certainly given people something to smile about I have a sneaking suspicion he has had a bit of a sense of humour failure and has asked to see you before you leave today. May I suggest a little humility and an apology.
When the hell did you get them from?

Daniel

Interdepartmental email
To: All Staff
From: Head of Registry
Date: 19th December 2007

University Prospectus Error

We have just been informed about an error discovered in the new 2008 University prospectus. Although the final draft went through the various levels of checking and proof reading it would appear that the prospectus advertises a degree course and a faculty that does not exist at the university. The Deputy Vice-Chancellor is investigating how this has happened. However as the print run was completed and the prospectuses had been sent out before the error was noticed we can not recall or reprint it at this stage. So please be advised that if any prospective student contacts any member of staff asking for 'The Obvious Thought Faculty' (sic) or inquires about a full honours modular degree course entitled ' Silo thinking and it's effect on Higher Education' please advise them that this is a printers error, and that neither the faculty nor the course exists.

The final proofs that were sent to the University Print Service did not contain these two additional pages. It is suspected that the pages inserted whilst it was in the print room, after final checking and before the print run. If anyone has any information as to how this error might have occurred could they please contact the Deputy Vice-Chancellor.

Mr. xxxxxxx xxxxxx
Head of Registry

And I thought that some departments in the University added little value. My faith in HR has been restored...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 08 February 07

From: HR
To: All staff and Students

Subject: Adverse weather policy

New Policy Number: 2054/07 - Adverse Weather Policy

At times of adverse weather like snow all employees who cannot travel into work should work from home.

HR Policy unit

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Platothefish,
Whilst I admire your energy, high production rate of papers and your wide range of interests , questions are being asked about your attendance at conferences. The university is committed to providing travel and accommodation cost for all academics who are publishing papers at conferences.
It has been noticed however the the conferences you are presenting at all appear to be in somewhat exotic locations; Hawaii, Sydney, Hong Kong, Manila, Wellington, Santa Barbara to name just a few planned for this year.
Some of your proposed article titles are also starting to raise interest and comment from within the university. I refer to:

• Leadership problem solving in British Higher Education: The case of the missing leaders.
• Problem solving skills within the HR profession in academia: A study of learned helplessness.
• An examination of creative leadership practices in Higher Education: Innovation or habit?

For example. Can we have a chat this week please?

Ben

To: All staff
From: Registry.

Applicants

We have had 17 applicants for a 'Masters in The Ancient Management Secrets of the Goths' run by a entity called 'The School of Academic Leaderslip' (sic) at this University. If anyone has any information as to where this fictitious course is being advertised please let the registry know so that the appropriate action can be taken.

xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx-xxxxxx
Head of Registry

1610 Monday

As there appears to be considerable confusion a full new set of competencies will be issued within the next month. Please disregard all previous versions .

Assistant Director of HR

1450 Monday


Please note Please check your competency folders. It would appear that a series of non official competencies have been distributed as amendments some time ago and people have updated their folders with the wrong competencies, including the set that was an official set distributed last week in error with a printing error. Please remove all non official competencies and those sent out in error last week.

Director of HR

1355 Monday

Please note that the HR management communication competencies that have been circulated today are not official competencies which are confidential to HR. Like the non official management competencies these should be destroyed forthwith and not passed on. If anyone has any information where these are coming from please inform HR forthwith.

Director of HR

1310 Monday

Further to my memo earlier today

The official management competencies are the correct competencies not the ones that look like the official management competencies but are not. Please only destroy the non official management competencies. The real official management competencies must not be destroyed.

Director of HR

1215 Monday
Intercampus communication to all staff.

It would appear that a set of University Management Competencies have been circulating around the staff. Whilst these look official and appear to have been drafted by HR, they are not. Would staff please destroy them forthwith and not propagate them further.

Director of HR

To: All Staff
From: Vice-chancellors Office
Subject: Decoration of toilets in VCO's office

Will whoever has decorated the toilets in the VCO's building as Santa's grotto kindly remove the decorations. The university gets VIPs all year round and it sends the wrong signal to our visitors. The toilets must be returned to their original state forthwith.

xxxxxxxxxx xxxxx
Office Manager
............................................................................................................................................................................

To: Platothefish
From: xxxxxx
Subject: Re: Decoration of toilets in VCO's office

Plato was this you??? It looks great... but why?

xxxxxxxx

.........................................................................................................................................................................

To: xxxxxx
From: Platothefish
Subject: Re: Re: Decoration of toilets in VCO's office

The signs on the back of the toilet doors gave permission for this.

Plato

.........................................................................................................................................................................

To: Platothefish
From: xxxxxx
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Decoration of toilets in VCO's office

Eh?

xxxxxx

.........................................................................................................................................................................

To: xxxxxx
From: Platothefish
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Decoration of toilets in VCO's office

If I am not mistaken the signs on the back of the toilet doors say "Please leave the toilets how you would like to find them"

Platothefish

"Whilst I agree with your sentiments, platothefish, I don't think we can teach 'moral courage' and all the other personal development things you think we should be covering" - Department Course Director

"I agree that asking a number of members of our staff to teach moral courage might be a little like trying to tie knots in fog. I am not sure that the sentence ' exploration of the role of moral courage in the professional development of students' implied teaching. The thought of teaching such a topic sort of defies the object of the exercise. I think moral courage is developed through thought, practice and conversation. I had kind of expected 'education' rather than just training to be occurring in an institute of Higher Education. Just covering the subject and not the context and personal qualities required of professionals in the area is like making condoms with teats at both ends - it's very safe but is about as useful as a brick parachute." Plato

"We don't really have the time to teach this sort of thing in the hectic lecturing schedule. Thank you for your interest"

"This isn't interest - it's a cast iron conviction that we are educators not trainers. I want and strive for my students, every one of them, to be autonomous, critical and creative thinkers with leadership qualities and the ability be human in their own right and challenge where necessary and support where necessary. People who have something to say and who can make a difference to our world." Plato

to be continued....

"It's been quite quiet around here with you not around. I quite missed your lively banter and I know that your students are glad to have you back. I think it does places like this good to get shaken up now and then - and you certainly get people thinking, anyway welcome back, er can I ask has the large sign outside the main gates got anything to do with you?"

General email: 'A large sign (approximately 8 foot high by 14 feet long) has appeared near the campus main gates. Whilst it is not on university property if anyone has any information about why it might be there and what it's meaning is could you inform the HR office so that we can take the appropraite action. We just wondered if it was some art project. Could lecturers' inform us of such stunt's in the future.'

"Platothefish we love it, please tell us it was you - welcome back" - some students by email

"Dear Platothefish if the sign was your doing get rid of it pronto - I think that you are in enough trouble as it is"

"Hi Plato, Where did you get the poem from (I assume it was you wasn't it)? I want a copy - masterpiece - welcome back"

"You are out to lunch old bean - fantastic, I couldn't agree more - just never had the balls to say it - not like that anyway. Good luck I think you'll need it if they find out it was you (I assume it was as you arrive back and the next morning that appears), classic."

"A large poem has appeared near the university, could all staff make enquiries to discover if any of our students are involved. We have asked the local council to have it removed, it does the university no good having it in such a prominent position."

Local radio "The students at Xxxxxxxx University must be having a prank. A strange cryptic and large, nay very large board about 10 feet high and at least 15 feet wide has appeared on the roadside where all the traffic passing the university is slowing down to read it. The sign says in very large letters
"ACADEMIC FREEDOM" and then there is a poem in equally large letters under it:
"Freedom means that you are free to do whatever pleases you,
that is of course, which means to say is what you wish is what you may"
We have been trying to work out what it means. If you have any ideas please contact us at Radio ...

"Nice to see you back mate"
"Why thank you" (Genuinely touched)
"It must have been stressful for you"
"It was a bit of a shock"
"We all thought it was wrong you know"
"Really?" (Genuinely surprised)
"Oh yes the whole department was behind you, you know"
"Really?" (Genuinely suspicious)
"Yes to a man...oh and the women, you know what I mean" (starting to look for an escape rout e of the 'damn I wish I hadn't entered this cage and just tried to stroke the nice lion that appears to have a firm grasp of my leg in his jaws' type way)
"I think so - what was said then"? (Really suspicious now)
"Well you know......lot's of people supported you"
"That's nice" (big smile)
"Yes we were very supportive" (Look of relief - the jaws appear to be opening - I'll escape in a second)
"Who"? (dinner time)
"Sorry"? (Gulp)
"Who, who exactly was supportive" (Yum)
"Well, er, you know, all, well er, most of us were you know" (Oh poo)
"Who exactly"? (Shouldn't play with my food really - what the hell mums not here)
"Well everyone really I suppose. Ok not everyone said anything but you could tell" (Help)
"How could I tell Brian"?
"Not you of course, we could tell"
"Oh so how precisely was I supported"?
"Well you know, people saying things like"
"I'm not sure I do, what did they say and to whom?
"Oh to each other, we all said how awful it was"
"That's a lot of support Brian"
"...."
"My postman must have been on strike, I must have been out when the phone rang and well my email..."
"Er... we didn't want to disturb you whilst you were off"
"In case I was infectious"?
"Yes! No! No not at all"
"Brian in what way exactly did you support me"?
"Your students wrote a letter to the VC you know"
"So I've heard"
"They said that you were the best lecturer they had, that's supportive"
"The students have a lot of good qualities like moral courage. Quite a few of them came to see me at home. What did the staff do to support me"?
"Did they??? They visited you? That's champion. You must have felt very supported"
"By the students, yes"
"Er yes, look plato mate, I've got to dash, got a lunchtime meeting and I'm bit late, glad to see you are back mate"

Just a quick note - sorry about the gap but as you will see I have a good reason...
Following suspension and an investigation "Because you have brought the university into disrepute" (no prejudgement there then) with is site being cited (ha) as one of the main 'offences' , ok there were a few minor matters like hair cuts, posters etc. I have been asked 'if you want to keep your job stop that 'infernal and insidious web thing' (this blog).
So after due consideration I have re-evaluated what my priorities are and in the immortal words of one of our esteemed leaders decided to "grow up". (But I don't want to be all growed up).
The consequence of all of this is that it would appear its the blog or my job.
What would you choose? It's not much of a decision in all honesty.
So sadly I won't be continuing with my job much longer but lets see how long I can last....
Right on with the blog.

"An Oxfordshire schoolboy has been sent home from school because he has an unusual World Cup hairstyle.

22 Jun 2006 BBC"

"A schoolboy in Cornwall is sent home after going to school sporting a special world cup haircut.

9 Jun 2006 BBC"

...

Platothefish the Vice-Chancellor would like to talk to you about the hair designs in your class and your own hair display...

"Please desist from addressing communications to HR as the Directorate of Human Rubble."

Hi Platothefish,
I have left a message on your answerphone. You know the student you have (She has a lisp - I can't remember her name, she has got fair hair which appears to have a Brazilian Flag painted on it at the moment??) that you asked to convey the project work to the other students who didn't attend your lecture last week? Well she has obviously informed the other students about the project. Unfortunately one of them must have misunderstood your directions due to the young lady's lisp. I have just had a phone call from another of your students from the same class - Dan Oxxxxx (I think he is the guy from Zambia) who is currently in Colchester. He asked me what he should do now that he is at the University of Essex. When I pushed him as to why on earth he was at the University of Essex he told me that this was the project you had set them. The young lady with the Brazilian flag on her hair was outside the office a couple of minutes ago and I asked her what was going on. Did you by any chance set them a project about Universal Ethics? I think the lisp thing could be a problem.

Sally

Department Administrator

You appear to have installed a life-size cut out photograph of yourself in your office. There is a rumour that this cut out also appears in your lecture theatre in your absence. I would be obliged if you could enlighten me as to what use you are making of this device in your teaching. - Professor xxxxxxx Department Head.

******************************************************

'PARIS (Reuters Sat Jun 17, 2006 03:44 PM BST) - The nephew of a former Socialist minister has successfully sued the French state after failing a philosophy exam because his teacher rarely showed up in class.

In the first ruling of its kind in a country as protective of its public employees as its intellectual roots, the student won his case after his failure to recognise German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer deprived him of a top graduate school place.

Jerome Charasse, whose uncle Michel Charasse served as budget minister under late President Francois Mitterrand, scored a poor 6 out of 20 in philosophy despite getting good grades in the rest of his baccalaureat high school exams.

As a result he failed to get into the prestigious School of Political Science.

"I am surprised that our public service should be so lacking," his lawyer Gilles-Jean Portejoie told Reuters.

A court in Clermont-Ferrand ruled in his favour and awarded him the right to damages which have yet to be set.'

There has been a suggestion that you are running a competition with your students for the best 'world cup' hair design. Whether or not this is the case it does appear that your class are almost all sporting various national flags cut and dyed into their hair. Whilst there are no regulations or policy directions about lecturers' hair the cloured 'England flag' cut into the back of your hair is not I would suggest the image professional members of this university aspire to. Please consider either wearing a hat when in public on the campus or having the emblem removed.

"Can I just mention that your ideas to rename HR whilst amusing are unlikely to be take up by the university"

In light of the realisation that the term Human Resources is antithical to our diversity policies (which by the way were crafted by HR) I hereby suggest some alternatives:

* 'The department of paper, rules and dogma'
* 'Directorate (in an equal opportunities non directive type of way of course) of Valued Employees'
* 'The communist party' - I think party has a nice focus to it, different to directorate comrade
* 'The group of really nice people trying to get other really nice people to comply with the rules and policies we design to make it look as if we are really useful department.'
* 'Slowing things down and stopping untidy innovation team'
* A bit radical this - 'Administration.'
* 'Directorate of creative mavericks and ideas control'
* 'The Empire' - why is the only part of the university that appears to be in full blown growth, 'Human Resources'?

- Platothefish

"I am a little confused. Our diversity policy explicitly states that every member of staff and student has a right to be treated as a valued individual. To be recognised as a person in their own right regardless of colour, creed, religion....
Why then do we have something called a Human Resources department?

Maybe we should rename stores as Shelving Resources, estates as Nonhuman Resources, the garage as Transport Resources, catering as Edible Resources and the Senior Management Team as Not a Resource? And what on earth does the Director of Human Resources direct exactly?"

Following recent comments from students it has been discovered that someone has changed the standardised powerpoint template for the Faculty of Letters stored on the central server to read The Faculty of Letters, Numbers and Crayons. According to the IT centre this was apparently done last December (2005) and has unfortunately gone unnoticed until now. Consequently a large number of lecturers' presentations and their associated handouts are carrying the altered logo which will require considerable effort and time to rectify.
Would all departments please check their templates forthwith. As this is not a server that students have access to we can only assume that either a student has gained access to a member of staffs logon name and password or ...

"Philip in his studies this year has shown a level of academic consistency and achievement rarely discovered in first year undergraduate students. Given that Philip is actually a postgraduate student and further given his natural ability to turn even the simplest of experiments into life threatening events I would recommend a career in which he will be handling wholly stable and inert materials. Indeed he could be described as a star in the field of chemistry; distant and rarely to be seen during daylight. I believe the term is no longer 'failed' so I therefore recommend 'deferred success'. In this case deferment should mean a minimum of 7-10 years with no parole for good behaviour."

-Platothefish you may want to reconsider the contents of this report.

- Reconsidered - it stands. Platothefish.

Please remove forthwith, the large signs you are displaying in your vehicle as you drive around the campuses which I am advised read 'Doctor on Call'. Additionally you may only park in the designated areas. Used of such signs to park in other areas is restricted to medical staff.

During the current pay dispute we do not think that the cause of the union or the lecturers' are advanced by your actions. Placing enlagements of job advertisments from the local papers with copies of the Universities pay scales attached is not helping staff moral. The fact that three members of staff have resigned in the last week to take up such opportunities has not helped the situation or relations between the university, staff and the unions.

Somebody, we suspect from within the university, has enrolled Professor xxxxxx, the Head of the School of Business on the local Business Link "Starting out in business introductory course" under the company name of Oligarchy Ltd. which it turns out has actually been registered using Professor xxxxxx's details with Companies House. This has caused considerable embarrassment to both Professor xxxxxx and to the University. If anyone has any information as to who might be responsible please contact the Vice-chancellors office. Such actions....

Because we are a Higher Education Institution does not mean that non University sector education should be referred to as 'lower educational establishments' especially during a tour of the university by local secondary school headmasters and misteresses. Additionally asking them that if they are Head Mistresses what other services they offer is puerile.

We support your stance on the 'Make Poverty History' campaign you appear to be running. However we would appreciate if the posters you have been displaying did not carry the added slogans
' Become a lecturer - making poverty history since 1912' , and
' Make Poverty History - Work for a University'
Thank you.

Faculty Board Meeting

Minutes

April 2006

...

Item 16 Any other business

Platothefish requested that it be formally minuted that the faculty's Plagiarism Policy appears to be remarkably similar to three other faculties within the university. Further that a search on google has disclosed policies with almost exactly the same wording from a number of other universities.

"The idea of a pool car scheme is we believe a good idea. Entering the Vice-chancellors, the Deputy Vice chancellors and the Pro Vice chancellors private cars onto the database without their consent has however caused some embarrassment."

"Following the recent decision to reduce the size of a few departments due to falling student numbers it has come to light that certain 'jibes' are circulating. Some of the members of the Faculty of English have specifically requested that they should not be referred to as 'The Department of Homeland Obscurity'. "

"I have been asked to write to you to remind you of the dress code for academics and students attending 'public' lecturers. We believe that the dress code is not strict in that it requires only that dress be appropriate for the nature of the event. Attending the recent lecture on 'The Wave Nature of Matter' in Bermuda shorts, an Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and finally attempting to bring a surf board into a lecture theatre is not considered to be appropriate. Please be a little more considerate towards your colleagues and the image of the university."

" We would like to thank you for your interest and recent contribution to our collection on aerospace and rocketary sciences resources. Whilst we would normally welcome such gifts and that I am sure that the complete works of 'Fireball XL5' and 'Thunderbirds' on DVD maybe interesting to some I am not sure that inclusion of such material adds to the gravitas and high academic ideals we strive for at the university."

"Pro Vice chancellor - just don't go there and get back to work".

New lessons from academia - The term 'vice-chancellor' does not, it would now appear, refer to any predilection towards the creation, collection or dissemination of porn. Any such suggestion would be seen as gross misconduct - allegedly.

Whilst your interests in research funding possibilities are welcome, sponsorship in defence technologies research from the local undertaker, even if it is the country's largest undertaking business, is neither politically viable nor necessary.