Somebody, we suspect from within the university, has enrolled Professor xxxxxx, the Head of the School of Business on the local Business Link "Starting out in business introductory course" under the company name of Oligarchy Ltd. which it turns out has actually been registered using Professor xxxxxx's details with Companies House. This has caused considerable embarrassment to both Professor xxxxxx and to the University. If anyone has any information as to who might be responsible please contact the Vice-chancellors office. Such actions....

Because we are a Higher Education Institution does not mean that non University sector education should be referred to as 'lower educational establishments' especially during a tour of the university by local secondary school headmasters and misteresses. Additionally asking them that if they are Head Mistresses what other services they offer is puerile.

We support your stance on the 'Make Poverty History' campaign you appear to be running. However we would appreciate if the posters you have been displaying did not carry the added slogans
' Become a lecturer - making poverty history since 1912' , and
' Make Poverty History - Work for a University'
Thank you.

Faculty Board Meeting

Minutes

April 2006

...

Item 16 Any other business

Platothefish requested that it be formally minuted that the faculty's Plagiarism Policy appears to be remarkably similar to three other faculties within the university. Further that a search on google has disclosed policies with almost exactly the same wording from a number of other universities.

"The idea of a pool car scheme is we believe a good idea. Entering the Vice-chancellors, the Deputy Vice chancellors and the Pro Vice chancellors private cars onto the database without their consent has however caused some embarrassment."

"Following the recent decision to reduce the size of a few departments due to falling student numbers it has come to light that certain 'jibes' are circulating. Some of the members of the Faculty of English have specifically requested that they should not be referred to as 'The Department of Homeland Obscurity'. "

"I have been asked to write to you to remind you of the dress code for academics and students attending 'public' lecturers. We believe that the dress code is not strict in that it requires only that dress be appropriate for the nature of the event. Attending the recent lecture on 'The Wave Nature of Matter' in Bermuda shorts, an Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and finally attempting to bring a surf board into a lecture theatre is not considered to be appropriate. Please be a little more considerate towards your colleagues and the image of the university."

" We would like to thank you for your interest and recent contribution to our collection on aerospace and rocketary sciences resources. Whilst we would normally welcome such gifts and that I am sure that the complete works of 'Fireball XL5' and 'Thunderbirds' on DVD maybe interesting to some I am not sure that inclusion of such material adds to the gravitas and high academic ideals we strive for at the university."

"Pro Vice chancellor - just don't go there and get back to work".

New lessons from academia - The term 'vice-chancellor' does not, it would now appear, refer to any predilection towards the creation, collection or dissemination of porn. Any such suggestion would be seen as gross misconduct - allegedly.

Whilst your interests in research funding possibilities are welcome, sponsorship in defence technologies research from the local undertaker, even if it is the country's largest undertaking business, is neither politically viable nor necessary.

They are commonly known as defence technologies not researching methods of slaughter.

Lesson 6. Informing the aeronautics graduates that their degree ceremony traditionally involves them doing a formation ‘flypast’ on the grass outside the Vice Chancellor’s office is not considered to be an appropriate activity for a member of staff.

Lesson 5: NEVER EVER refer to medical doctors as 'real' doctors.

Lesson 4: You can only ask medical doctors for a second opinion.

Lesson 3: Changing the word "indoctrination" to "brainwashing" doesn't aid clarity nor is it helpful.

Lesson 2: It's lecturing NOT indoctrination. (for example)

Lesson 1. Today I learnt not to confuse an Emurites Professor with an Emirates Professor. Additionally that any suggestion of academic bias due to sponsorship of a professorship by an airline is not considered to be amusing.