"I have been asked to write to you to remind you of the dress code for academics and students attending 'public' lecturers. We believe that the dress code is not strict in that it requires only that dress be appropriate for the nature of the event. Attending the recent lecture on 'The Wave Nature of Matter' in Bermuda shorts, an Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and finally attempting to bring a surf board into a lecture theatre is not considered to be appropriate. Please be a little more considerate towards your colleagues and the image of the university."

" We would like to thank you for your interest and recent contribution to our collection on aerospace and rocketary sciences resources. Whilst we would normally welcome such gifts and that I am sure that the complete works of 'Fireball XL5' and 'Thunderbirds' on DVD maybe interesting to some I am not sure that inclusion of such material adds to the gravitas and high academic ideals we strive for at the university."

"Pro Vice chancellor - just don't go there and get back to work".

New lessons from academia - The term 'vice-chancellor' does not, it would now appear, refer to any predilection towards the creation, collection or dissemination of porn. Any such suggestion would be seen as gross misconduct - allegedly.