Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Dear plato,
The VC has become a bit of a hero with the students for wearing the suit they made for her. She is being greeted by students all over now where most didn't know who she was before. Although she is a bit uncertain as to how they got her measurements so correct, she is very pleased and you are flavour of the the month at the moment. She keeps using you as an example of good practice in teaching. Please don't do anything to bugger it up plato. Please.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Plato,
Tell me I am dreaming? Did I see the VC go to your lecture dressed as one of your super hero's? Are you for real? What was going on?

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Er Plato is this true that you got the Vice Chancellor to wear one of your suits, masks and capes? You are my hero.
Jane
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You are mad! How the hell did you get the V.C. to wear that super hero suit???
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Plato. They should make a statue of you. This is just too much! The V.C. in a mask and cape at your lecture? Hilarious. You are a legend.
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Everyone is talking about what you did to the V.C. Amazing. You star.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

RE: Head of Major Gifts
Plato your application for the role of Head of Major Gifts has been rejected. I suspect an application that simply reads

"Please give me the Head of Major Gifts Job as I could be my own first customer"

was always doomed to failure.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

My suspicions have been confirmed. I suspected that your NASA proposal wasn't the only one. As you might expect your request for $40 million from the Pentagon has been rejected. They don't appear to need research that investigates how many Marines kept their teddy bears beyond the age of 15 and whether, to quote 'teddy bear ownership increases a Marines chances of promotion'.
Plato, was it necessary, that when Prince Charles visited the University and asked you what the Ambiguity Institute was about, to say

"If I knew that they wouldn't let me be the Director."
Then asking him "Would you mind awfully, informally and in keeping with the nature of the institute, declaring it both open and closed at the same time please. I promise we will put a non-plaque up in honour of your visit" didn't really help to clarify the situation either.

I have funny feeling you haven't heard the last of this encounter.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Dear Plato,
Please come and see me. HR have forwarded me the below risk assessment that you have submitted. They are concerned that your experiment might be and I quote "prejudicial to the fabric of the university", by which I think that they mean that they are worried that you will destroy it.

Risk Assessment

Name: Platothefish
Dept: Ambiguity and vagueness
Date: 01/04/08
Event: Experiment with home made particle accelerator and collider
Location or site: Lecture room B
Nature of Risk: Opening up a black hole during the experiment thereby destroying earth, oh and the solar system.
Who is affected?: Just the population of the planet
What has been done to minimise the risk?: I will keep the accelerator in a Tesco's plastic carrier bag.
Is a first aid trained member of staff available?: Will third aid do?
Is a fire marshal available?: No but the sheriff is in town
Has someone from HR H&S executive examined the risk: Not yet, but please do visit. If this goes wrong you will have approx .000000007 sec head start on the rest of the population.
Does the university insurance policy cover this event?: I'd like to see the policy small print.
Is travel involved? If so by what medium? Travel could well be involved, the medium being in particles and waves - I might need separation allowance for this one though.
Is your direct manager aware of this event and has he/she approved of the event?: I tried to tell him but he didn't believe me.
Have you received approved training for this event?
I suppose because we are all made of stars the answer must be yes
Equipment being used: Particle accelerator / collider. Well actually it is two very large and powerful electrocatapults and a laser.
Aim of the event: To create an atomic vortex fast enough to create a blackhole, hopefully only momentarily. However as this hasn't been attempted before and I wanted to do it before CERN came on line, I can't guarantee that the effect might not last a little longer than expected nor grow faster than I will be able to react. If this does happen there is nothing to worry about. Literally there will be nothing to worry about - ever.