Thursday, June 22, 2006

"An Oxfordshire schoolboy has been sent home from school because he has an unusual World Cup hairstyle.

22 Jun 2006 BBC"

"A schoolboy in Cornwall is sent home after going to school sporting a special world cup haircut.

9 Jun 2006 BBC"


Platothefish the Vice-Chancellor would like to talk to you about the hair designs in your class and your own hair display...

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

"Please desist from addressing communications to HR as the Directorate of Human Rubble."
Hi Platothefish,
I have left a message on your answerphone. You know the student you have (She has a lisp - I can't remember her name, she has got fair hair which appears to have a Brazilian Flag painted on it at the moment??) that you asked to convey the project work to the other students who didn't attend your lecture last week? Well she has obviously informed the other students about the project. Unfortunately one of them must have misunderstood your directions due to the young lady's lisp. I have just had a phone call from another of your students from the same class - Dan Oxxxxx (I think he is the guy from Zambia) who is currently in Colchester. He asked me what he should do now that he is at the University of Essex. When I pushed him as to why on earth he was at the University of Essex he told me that this was the project you had set them. The young lady with the Brazilian flag on her hair was outside the office a couple of minutes ago and I asked her what was going on. Did you by any chance set them a project about Universal Ethics? I think the lisp thing could be a problem.


Department Administrator

Monday, June 19, 2006

You appear to have installed a life-size cut out photograph of yourself in your office. There is a rumour that this cut out also appears in your lecture theatre in your absence. I would be obliged if you could enlighten me as to what use you are making of this device in your teaching. - Professor xxxxxxx Department Head.


'PARIS (Reuters Sat Jun 17, 2006 03:44 PM BST) - The nephew of a former Socialist minister has successfully sued the French state after failing a philosophy exam because his teacher rarely showed up in class.

In the first ruling of its kind in a country as protective of its public employees as its intellectual roots, the student won his case after his failure to recognise German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer deprived him of a top graduate school place.

Jerome Charasse, whose uncle Michel Charasse served as budget minister under late President Francois Mitterrand, scored a poor 6 out of 20 in philosophy despite getting good grades in the rest of his baccalaureat high school exams.

As a result he failed to get into the prestigious School of Political Science.

"I am surprised that our public service should be so lacking," his lawyer Gilles-Jean Portejoie told Reuters.

A court in Clermont-Ferrand ruled in his favour and awarded him the right to damages which have yet to be set.'
There has been a suggestion that you are running a competition with your students for the best 'world cup' hair design. Whether or not this is the case it does appear that your class are almost all sporting various national flags cut and dyed into their hair. Whilst there are no regulations or policy directions about lecturers' hair the cloured 'England flag' cut into the back of your hair is not I would suggest the image professional members of this university aspire to. Please consider either wearing a hat when in public on the campus or having the emblem removed.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

"Can I just mention that your ideas to rename HR whilst amusing are unlikely to be take up by the university"

In light of the realisation that the term Human Resources is antithical to our diversity policies (which by the way were crafted by HR) I hereby suggest some alternatives:

* 'The department of paper, rules and dogma'
* 'Directorate (in an equal opportunities non directive type of way of course) of Valued Employees'
* 'The communist party' - I think party has a nice focus to it, different to directorate comrade
* 'The group of really nice people trying to get other really nice people to comply with the rules and policies we design to make it look as if we are really useful department.'
* 'Slowing things down and stopping untidy innovation team'
* A bit radical this - 'Administration.'
* 'Directorate of creative mavericks and ideas control'
* 'The Empire' - why is the only part of the university that appears to be in full blown growth, 'Human Resources'?

- Platothefish

Thursday, June 15, 2006

"I am a little confused. Our diversity policy explicitly states that every member of staff and student has a right to be treated as a valued individual. To be recognised as a person in their own right regardless of colour, creed, religion....
Why then do we have something called a Human Resources department?

Maybe we should rename stores as Shelving Resources, estates as Nonhuman Resources, the garage as Transport Resources, catering as Edible Resources and the Senior Management Team as Not a Resource? And what on earth does the Director of Human Resources direct exactly?"

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Following recent comments from students it has been discovered that someone has changed the standardised powerpoint template for the Faculty of Letters stored on the central server to read The Faculty of Letters, Numbers and Crayons. According to the IT centre this was apparently done last December (2005) and has unfortunately gone unnoticed until now. Consequently a large number of lecturers' presentations and their associated handouts are carrying the altered logo which will require considerable effort and time to rectify.
Would all departments please check their templates forthwith. As this is not a server that students have access to we can only assume that either a student has gained access to a member of staffs logon name and password or ...

Monday, June 12, 2006

"Philip in his studies this year has shown a level of academic consistency and achievement rarely discovered in first year undergraduate students. Given that Philip is actually a postgraduate student and further given his natural ability to turn even the simplest of experiments into life threatening events I would recommend a career in which he will be handling wholly stable and inert materials. Indeed he could be described as a star in the field of chemistry; distant and rarely to be seen during daylight. I believe the term is no longer 'failed' so I therefore recommend 'deferred success'. In this case deferment should mean a minimum of 7-10 years with no parole for good behaviour."

-Platothefish you may want to reconsider the contents of this report.

- Reconsidered - it stands. Platothefish.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Please remove forthwith, the large signs you are displaying in your vehicle as you drive around the campuses which I am advised read 'Doctor on Call'. Additionally you may only park in the designated areas. Used of such signs to park in other areas is restricted to medical staff.
During the current pay dispute we do not think that the cause of the union or the lecturers' are advanced by your actions. Placing enlagements of job advertisments from the local papers with copies of the Universities pay scales attached is not helping staff moral. The fact that three members of staff have resigned in the last week to take up such opportunities has not helped the situation or relations between the university, staff and the unions.