Sunday, December 23, 2007

"Welcome back Plato. You have been missed by everyone except probably the bean counters, admin and the senior management. Now I mention these three because I have been approached by all three of them over the last week. HR have asked that you are controlled properly, words like 'off the wall', 'makes life hard' and 'dangerous', were used. The other two both mentioned that 'openly questioning and showing up the decisions made' is 'awkward'. The message from them is for you to behave and tow the line.
One senior manager did mention the fact that your students catch your 'sense of humour and brand of critical thinking' and suggested that you 'concentrate on instilling discipline and teaching your subject. The problem is now that we can't tell if a 'stunt' is his or a students and we even suspect other members of staff of colluding and questioning the status quo'.
An example given were the posters that appeared last week advertising the Directorate Christmas Party - all friends welcome. To be held in the telephone box next to the university Vice Chancellors Office. It is no longer safe to assume that you are directly responsible.

The message quietly and privately from the rest of the university is to keep going. Merry Christmas Plato.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Hi Plato,
I must say that buying a dozen ducks for a family in the third world for Christmas for the Deputy VC is a very generous gift. Putting live copies of all twelve of them in his office last night might not have been the best career move ever. I had no idea that duck poo could go that far!

Whilst everyone else thinks that it is funny and has certainly given people something to smile about I have a sneaking suspicion he has had a bit of a sense of humour failure and has asked to see you before you leave today. May I suggest a little humility and an apology.
When the hell did you get them from?


Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Interdepartmental email
To: All Staff
From: Head of Registry
Date: 19th December 2007

University Prospectus Error

We have just been informed about an error discovered in the new 2008 University prospectus. Although the final draft went through the various levels of checking and proof reading it would appear that the prospectus advertises a degree course and a faculty that does not exist at the university. The Deputy Vice-Chancellor is investigating how this has happened. However as the print run was completed and the prospectuses had been sent out before the error was noticed we can not recall or reprint it at this stage. So please be advised that if any prospective student contacts any member of staff asking for 'The Obvious Thought Faculty' (sic) or inquires about a full honours modular degree course entitled ' Silo thinking and it's effect on Higher Education' please advise them that this is a printers error, and that neither the faculty nor the course exists.

The final proofs that were sent to the University Print Service did not contain these two additional pages. It is suspected that the pages inserted whilst it was in the print room, after final checking and before the print run. If anyone has any information as to how this error might have occurred could they please contact the Deputy Vice-Chancellor.

Mr. xxxxxxx xxxxxx
Head of Registry

Thursday, February 08, 2007

And I thought that some departments in the University added little value. My faith in HR has been restored...

Date: 08 February 07

From: HR
To: All staff and Students

Subject: Adverse weather policy

New Policy Number: 2054/07 - Adverse Weather Policy

At times of adverse weather like snow all employees who cannot travel into work should work from home.

HR Policy unit


Sunday, February 04, 2007

Dear Platothefish,
Whilst I admire your energy, high production rate of papers and your wide range of interests , questions are being asked about your attendance at conferences. The university is committed to providing travel and accommodation cost for all academics who are publishing papers at conferences.
It has been noticed however the the conferences you are presenting at all appear to be in somewhat exotic locations; Hawaii, Sydney, Hong Kong, Manila, Wellington, Santa Barbara to name just a few planned for this year.
Some of your proposed article titles are also starting to raise interest and comment from within the university. I refer to:
  • Leadership problem solving in British Higher Education: The case of the missing leaders.
  • Problem solving skills within the HR profession in academia: A study of learned helplessness.
  • An examination of creative leadership practices in Higher Education: Innovation or habit?
For example. Can we have a chat this week please?


Thursday, February 01, 2007

To: All staff
From: Registry.


We have had 17 applicants for a 'Masters in The Ancient Management Secrets of the Goths' run by a entity called 'The School of Academic Leaderslip' (sic) at this University. If anyone has any information as to where this fictitious course is being advertised please let the registry know so that the appropriate action can be taken.

xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx-xxxxxx
Head of Registry

Monday, January 22, 2007

1610 Monday

As there appears to be considerable confusion a full new set of competencies will be issued within the next month. Please disregard all previous versions .

Assistant Director of HR
1450 Monday

Please note Please check your competency folders. It would appear that a series of non official competencies have been distributed as amendments some time ago and people have updated their folders with the wrong competencies, including the set that was an official set distributed last week in error with a printing error. Please remove all non official competencies and those sent out in error last week.

Director of HR
1355 Monday

Please note that the HR management communication competencies that have been circulated today are not official competencies which are confidential to HR. Like the non official management competencies these should be destroyed forthwith and not passed on. If anyone has any information where these are coming from please inform HR forthwith.

Director of HR
1310 Monday

Further to my memo earlier today

The official management competencies are the correct competencies not the ones that look like the official management competencies but are not. Please only destroy the non official management competencies. The real official management competencies must not be destroyed.

Director of HR
1215 Monday
Intercampus communication to all staff.

It would appear that a set of University Management Competencies have been circulating around the staff. Whilst these look official and appear to have been drafted by HR, they are not. Would staff please destroy them forthwith and not propagate them further.

Director of HR