Thursday, April 03, 2008

Dear Plato,
Please come and see me. HR have forwarded me the below risk assessment that you have submitted. They are concerned that your experiment might be and I quote "prejudicial to the fabric of the university", by which I think that they mean that they are worried that you will destroy it.

Risk Assessment

Name: Platothefish
Dept: Ambiguity and vagueness
Date: 01/04/08
Event: Experiment with home made particle accelerator and collider
Location or site: Lecture room B
Nature of Risk: Opening up a black hole during the experiment thereby destroying earth, oh and the solar system.
Who is affected?: Just the population of the planet
What has been done to minimise the risk?: I will keep the accelerator in a Tesco's plastic carrier bag.
Is a first aid trained member of staff available?: Will third aid do?
Is a fire marshal available?: No but the sheriff is in town
Has someone from HR H&S executive examined the risk: Not yet, but please do visit. If this goes wrong you will have approx .000000007 sec head start on the rest of the population.
Does the university insurance policy cover this event?: I'd like to see the policy small print.
Is travel involved? If so by what medium? Travel could well be involved, the medium being in particles and waves - I might need separation allowance for this one though.
Is your direct manager aware of this event and has he/she approved of the event?: I tried to tell him but he didn't believe me.
Have you received approved training for this event?
I suppose because we are all made of stars the answer must be yes
Equipment being used: Particle accelerator / collider. Well actually it is two very large and powerful electrocatapults and a laser.
Aim of the event: To create an atomic vortex fast enough to create a blackhole, hopefully only momentarily. However as this hasn't been attempted before and I wanted to do it before CERN came on line, I can't guarantee that the effect might not last a little longer than expected nor grow faster than I will be able to react. If this does happen there is nothing to worry about. Literally there will be nothing to worry about - ever.

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