"Sorry sir you can't go through the barrier without a pass."
"I'm a new member of staff and they are going to give me my pass at the new staff induction that is starting in about 20 minutes"
" No pass No access sir"
" All these other cars?"
"Yes sir they don't have passes either."
"Let me guess, they are all going to the new staff induction?"
" Yes sir."
" Ok how do I get a pass to go to the induction?"
"You get them...."
" at the new staff induction by any chance?"
" Yes sir, have you worked here before sir?"
"No, just a wild guess"
" yes sir"
" So in order to get to the new staff induction to get a pass, I need the pass that I will get at the new staff induction. Just checking I have this right"
" Yes sir , that's right sir, that's they system sir."
" system implies... Oh never mind. Are you on your own out here?"
"Are you threatening me sir? "
"not yet"
" Have you got to stay here?"
" Yes sir until relieved sir"
" So hypothetically speaking if someone was to just drive through you would have to stay here?"
" er yes sir, I suppose so. It has never happened sir. No one just drives through, I mean, Sir? Sir? SIR!"

Minutes of Meeting...

Professor John xxxxxx Head of the School of Deportment requested that Dr. Platothefish explain why his nameplate read 'Head of Centre of Excellence for Political Decision Making' when there no such centre existed.

Dr. P replied he thought nameplate creativity was a custom as he had noticed one saying Head of Financial Responsibility and Strategy.

Dr. P was asked to remove the nameplate.

Hmmm apparently neglect and withholding beer doesn't kill a blog.

To: All Staff
From: Professor xxxxxxxxxxx Deputy VC

Subject: Christmas Annual Leave

A large number of emails have been directed at the HR office today from staff accusing them of being Scrooge and worse.

I have investigated the certificates found in the five eggs discovered yesterday. It would appear that the eggs and certificates have gone to people who have had a difficult year, including two members of staff who were bereaved earlier this year, one who has been diagnosed with cancer and two other personal circumstances I will not go into here. As a result the certificates will be honored. Please stop sending emails to HR they were just carrying out procedures.

xxxxxxxxxxx
Deputy VC

To: All Staff

Please note. I have checked with the VC's office. The certificates for extended holidays being found in the eggs are not real. They did not come form the VC and therefore will not be honored.

XXXXxxxxx
HR Directorate

To: All staff

Just on my way. Anyone want to come?

George xxxxxxxxxx
Senior Lecturer
Geophysics

To: All staff

How the blazes did that get there it must be 20 foot high? Has anyone been up to it?

Ben

To: All staff

OMG I have found the egg guys. Just look on the Rugby field!

Tina
Reception

To: All staff

Two more eggs have turned up, one in the office of the catering manager and one in building 244's cleaning cupboard. The cleaner dropped hers and found a certificate from the VC saying that the bearer of the certificate is entitled to two extra days off this Christmas, inside. It might be worth the other people checking their eggs. One more egg to go...

Bella xxxxxx
Admin Assistant

by email -
To all staff:
From Dr. xxxxxx xxxxx

I think I found a clue. I have just found a large egg on my desk.

Dr. xxxxxx xxxxx

From Prof. xxxxxxxx

Me too

From xxxxxxx xxx

And me - three more to go.

Plato,
What do you know about all this 12 days of Christmas stuff going on? The entire staff are hunting for the next thing - 6 Geese? Do you know where they will turn up? Is this you?


Dear xxxxxx,
What and spoil the magic of Christmas?

Plato

As you will have noticed a very large set of neon Olympic rings has been installed on the front of the main university building. They have been there for about a week. Everyone assumed it had some official purpose but on investigation none of the departments know anything about it. before we remove the said item can you all just check if they were placed there for an official purpose. It's just that the plug for the rings is trailed through the window of the HR directors office and the window won't shut properly.


1 hour later - reference the 5 gold rings - it would appear that we have been the victim of a continuing prank. If anyone has any information where these rings have come from please inform HR or the security service.

Hey Plato I thought you would like to know about this one. Grumpy old Professor xxxxxxxxx from the School Sexual Heath apparently had a stretched limo arrive for him a couple of days ago. It wasn't in his diary but you know what his memory is like so he got in thinking he had forgotten some important meeting.
It would appear when he got into the car there were four call girls waiting for him. The Limo drove off.
He arrived back about an hour later with a very big smile on his face and has since been heard whistling! Any ideas?

Plato: Four call girls you say?

The Deputy V.C. heard noises coming from his filing cabinet earlier today. On investigation three chickens were discovered in the bottom three drawers. Someone must have seen someone entering the office. If you saw anything suspicious earlier today near the VC's office block please let the USS know ASAP before this goes any further.

Some how whilst the University Security Service guard was in the HR office preventing breakins last night 2 doves were placed in the USS control room. If anyone has any knowledge of this please come forward.

Email to all staff:
To whoever put the partridge and pear tree in the HR office. These offices will be patrolled on the lead up to Christmas by the USS to prevent any further break ins.

"Oh no - please no"

"Yes how did you know that the bowl of fruit was a bowl of pears?"

It would appear the the pheasant was a partridge and a small tree had been found planted on the directors desk with a bowl of fruit. We are puzzled. If anyone can help please contact the USS.

All HR services are suspended this morning. A live pheasant was discovered running around the HR offices when they were opened up this morning, which could explain why the burglar alarm kept going off last night. The University Security Services are trying to capture the bird at the moment. If anyone knows how the bird came to be in our offices please do let us know.

Barbara xxxxxxxx
HR assistant