Friday, December 15, 2006
From: Vice-chancellors Office
Subject: Decoration of toilets in VCO's office
Will whoever has decorated the toilets in the VCO's building as Santa's grotto kindly remove the decorations. The university gets VIPs all year round and it sends the wrong signal to our visitors. The toilets must be returned to their original state forthwith.
xxxxxxxxxx xxxxx
Office Manager
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To: Platothefish
From: xxxxxx
Subject: Re: Decoration of toilets in VCO's office
Plato was this you??? It looks great... but why?
xxxxxxxx
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To: xxxxxx
From: Platothefish
Subject: Re: Re: Decoration of toilets in VCO's office
The signs on the back of the toilet doors gave permission for this.
Plato
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To: Platothefish
From: xxxxxx
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Decoration of toilets in VCO's office
Eh?
xxxxxx
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To: xxxxxx
From: Platothefish
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Decoration of toilets in VCO's office
If I am not mistaken the signs on the back of the toilet doors say "Please leave the toilets how you would like to find them"
Platothefish
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
"Whilst I agree with your sentiments, platothefish, I don't think we can teach 'moral courage' and all the other personal development things you think we should be covering" - Department Course Director
"I agree that asking a number of members of our staff to teach moral courage might be a little like trying to tie knots in fog. I am not sure that the sentence ' exploration of the role of moral courage in the professional development of students' implied teaching. The thought of teaching such a topic sort of defies the object of the exercise. I think moral courage is developed through thought, practice and conversation. I had kind of expected 'education' rather than just training to be occurring in an institute of Higher Education. Just covering the subject and not the context and personal qualities required of professionals in the area is like making condoms with teats at both ends - it's very safe but is about as useful as a brick parachute." Plato
"We don't really have the time to teach this sort of thing in the hectic lecturing schedule. Thank you for your interest"
"This isn't interest - it's a cast iron conviction that we are educators not trainers. I want and strive for my students, every one of them, to be autonomous, critical and creative thinkers with leadership qualities and the ability be human in their own right and challenge where necessary and support where necessary. People who have something to say and who can make a difference to our world." Plato
to be continued....
Sunday, August 06, 2006
General email: 'A large sign (approximately 8 foot high by 14 feet long) has appeared near the campus main gates. Whilst it is not on university property if anyone has any information about why it might be there and what it's meaning is could you inform the HR office so that we can take the appropraite action. We just wondered if it was some art project. Could lecturers' inform us of such stunt's in the future.'
"Platothefish we love it, please tell us it was you - welcome back" - some students by email
"Dear Platothefish if the sign was your doing get rid of it pronto - I think that you are in enough trouble as it is"
"Hi Plato, Where did you get the poem from (I assume it was you wasn't it)? I want a copy - masterpiece - welcome back"
"You are out to lunch old bean - fantastic, I couldn't agree more - just never had the balls to say it - not like that anyway. Good luck I think you'll need it if they find out it was you (I assume it was as you arrive back and the next morning that appears), classic."
"A large poem has appeared near the university, could all staff make enquiries to discover if any of our students are involved. We have asked the local council to have it removed, it does the university no good having it in such a prominent position."
Local radio "The students at Xxxxxxxx University must be having a prank. A strange cryptic and large, nay very large board about 10 feet high and at least 15 feet wide has appeared on the roadside where all the traffic passing the university is slowing down to read it. The sign says in very large letters
"ACADEMIC FREEDOM" and then there is a poem in equally large letters under it:
"Freedom means that you are free to do whatever pleases you,
that is of course, which means to say is what you wish is what you may"
We have been trying to work out what it means. If you have any ideas please contact us at Radio ...
Friday, August 04, 2006
"Nice to see you back mate"
"Why thank you" (Genuinely touched)
"It must have been stressful for you"
"It was a bit of a shock"
"We all thought it was wrong you know"
"Really?" (Genuinely surprised)
"Oh yes the whole department was behind you, you know"
"Really?" (Genuinely suspicious)
"Yes to a man...oh and the women, you know what I mean" (starting to look for an escape rout e of the 'damn I wish I hadn't entered this cage and just tried to stroke the nice lion that appears to have a firm grasp of my leg in his jaws' type way)
"I think so - what was said then"? (Really suspicious now)
"Well you know......lot's of people supported you"
"That's nice" (big smile)
"Yes we were very supportive" (Look of relief - the jaws appear to be opening - I'll escape in a second)
"Who"? (dinner time)
"Sorry"? (Gulp)
"Who, who exactly was supportive" (Yum)
"Well, er, you know, all, well er, most of us were you know" (Oh poo)
"Who exactly"? (Shouldn't play with my food really - what the hell mums not here)
"Well everyone really I suppose. Ok not everyone said anything but you could tell" (Help)
"How could I tell Brian"?
"Not you of course, we could tell"
"Oh so how precisely was I supported"?
"Well you know, people saying things like"
"I'm not sure I do, what did they say and to whom?
"Oh to each other, we all said how awful it was"
"That's a lot of support Brian"
"...."
"My postman must have been on strike, I must have been out when the phone rang and well my email..."
"Er... we didn't want to disturb you whilst you were off"
"In case I was infectious"?
"Yes! No! No not at all"
"Brian in what way exactly did you support me"?
"Your students wrote a letter to the VC you know"
"So I've heard"
"They said that you were the best lecturer they had, that's supportive"
"The students have a lot of good qualities like moral courage. Quite a few of them came to see me at home. What did the staff do to support me"?
"Did they??? They visited you? That's champion. You must have felt very supported"
"By the students, yes"
"Er yes, look plato mate, I've got to dash, got a lunchtime meeting and I'm bit late, glad to see you are back mate"
Just a quick note - sorry about the gap but as you will see I have a good reason...
Following suspension and an investigation "Because you have brought the university into disrepute" (no prejudgement there then) with is site being cited (ha) as one of the main 'offences' , ok there were a few minor matters like hair cuts, posters etc. I have been asked 'if you want to keep your job stop that 'infernal and insidious web thing' (this blog).
So after due consideration I have re-evaluated what my priorities are and in the immortal words of one of our esteemed leaders decided to "grow up". (But I don't want to be all growed up).
The consequence of all of this is that it would appear its the blog or my job.
What would you choose? It's not much of a decision in all honesty.
So sadly I won't be continuing with my job much longer but lets see how long I can last....
Right on with the blog.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
22 Jun 2006 BBC"
"A schoolboy in Cornwall is sent home after going to school sporting a special world cup haircut.
9 Jun 2006 BBC"
...
Platothefish the Vice-Chancellor would like to talk to you about the hair designs in your class and your own hair display...
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
I have left a message on your answerphone. You know the student you have (She has a lisp - I can't remember her name, she has got fair hair which appears to have a Brazilian Flag painted on it at the moment??) that you asked to convey the project work to the other students who didn't attend your lecture last week? Well she has obviously informed the other students about the project. Unfortunately one of them must have misunderstood your directions due to the young lady's lisp. I have just had a phone call from another of your students from the same class - Dan Oxxxxx (I think he is the guy from Zambia) who is currently in Colchester. He asked me what he should do now that he is at the University of Essex. When I pushed him as to why on earth he was at the University of Essex he told me that this was the project you had set them. The young lady with the Brazilian flag on her hair was outside the office a couple of minutes ago and I asked her what was going on. Did you by any chance set them a project about Universal Ethics? I think the lisp thing could be a problem.
Sally
Department Administrator
Monday, June 19, 2006
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'PARIS (Reuters Sat Jun 17, 2006 03:44 PM BST) - The nephew of a former Socialist minister has successfully sued the French state after failing a philosophy exam because his teacher rarely showed up in class.
In the first ruling of its kind in a country as protective of its public employees as its intellectual roots, the student won his case after his failure to recognise German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer deprived him of a top graduate school place.
Jerome Charasse, whose uncle Michel Charasse served as budget minister under late President Francois Mitterrand, scored a poor 6 out of 20 in philosophy despite getting good grades in the rest of his baccalaureat high school exams.
As a result he failed to get into the prestigious School of Political Science.
"I am surprised that our public service should be so lacking," his lawyer Gilles-Jean Portejoie told Reuters.
A court in Clermont-Ferrand ruled in his favour and awarded him the right to damages which have yet to be set.'
Saturday, June 17, 2006
In light of the realisation that the term Human Resources is antithical to our diversity policies (which by the way were crafted by HR) I hereby suggest some alternatives:
* 'The department of paper, rules and dogma'
* 'Directorate (in an equal opportunities non directive type of way of course) of Valued Employees'
* 'The communist party' - I think party has a nice focus to it, different to directorate comrade
* 'The group of really nice people trying to get other really nice people to comply with the rules and policies we design to make it look as if we are really useful department.'
* 'Slowing things down and stopping untidy innovation team'
* A bit radical this - 'Administration.'
* 'Directorate of creative mavericks and ideas control'
* 'The Empire' - why is the only part of the university that appears to be in full blown growth, 'Human Resources'?
- Platothefish
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Why then do we have something called a Human Resources department?
Maybe we should rename stores as Shelving Resources, estates as Nonhuman Resources, the garage as Transport Resources, catering as Edible Resources and the Senior Management Team as Not a Resource? And what on earth does the Director of Human Resources direct exactly?"
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Would all departments please check their templates forthwith. As this is not a server that students have access to we can only assume that either a student has gained access to a member of staffs logon name and password or ...
Monday, June 12, 2006
-Platothefish you may want to reconsider the contents of this report.
- Reconsidered - it stands. Platothefish.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
' Become a lecturer - making poverty history since 1912' , and
' Make Poverty History - Work for a University'
Thank you.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Minutes
April 2006
...
Item 16 Any other business
Platothefish requested that it be formally minuted that the faculty's Plagiarism Policy appears to be remarkably similar to three other faculties within the university. Further that a search on google has disclosed policies with almost exactly the same wording from a number of other universities.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Saturday, April 01, 2006
"Following the recent decision to reduce the size of a few departments due to falling student numbers it has come to light that certain 'jibes' are circulating. Some of the members of the Faculty of English have specifically requested that they should not be referred to as 'The Department of Homeland Obscurity'. "