"A fully signed up and cordoned off minefield has appeared overnight on the lawn outside the HR offices.

The University Security Service (The S.S.) are a little nervous about removing the signs and have called The Land Mines Group from the School of Military Sciences who are investigating. Please do not go near the building at this moment in time."

...from the morning briefing

This has got to stop Plato. A large group (about 20 -30 it was difficult to count them) of people (Students I hope and yours I presume) in masks, black suits and red capes visited the security office this morning offering them 'protection' against 'bad things' like burglaries.

The University Security Service are not happy bunnies at the moment as it is.

They have just discovered that the remaining crime prevention materials stolen during the break in last week were distributed to every Head of Department over the weekend. The mode of distribution was somewhat unorthodox. Someone broke into each HoD's office and left the material on their desks. We suspect that entry was gained with a set of keys as no damage was done and the USS didn't notice anything. The only area of the university that has such access is... you guessed it, the University Security Service.

A review of security is being undertaken by the Deputy Vice-Chancellor. I have a funny feeling you may well be co-opted into the review.

10 AM

To: all staff
From: xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx Head of University Computing

Anti Porn Filters

WE have been working hard to provide protection on the University wide network from pornography and pornographic images and spam. We are proud to announce that this morning we have instigated a new software solution which uses advanced algorithms to identify the percentage of flesh tones in any image. We have thoroughly tested this solution and we are confident it will provide the protection required. It will also prevent staff and students from accidentally accessing pornographic websites.


1020 AM

We have agreed to exempt the social sciences division from the Anti Porn Filter as they are currently conducting research on the effect of pornography in society.

1040 AM

The Law faculty has been exempt from the Anti Porn Filter as they are apparently conducting research for the government and police on pedophile online behaviour.

1105 AM

We have lifted the Anti Porn Filter from the Department of Agriculture as the filter was preventing images and websites of pigs being accessed.

1120 AM

The department of Art has also been exempted from the Anti Porn Filter as it was preventing them accessing art installations and photographs.

1130 AM

Graphic design has also had the Anti Porn Filter removed from it's area of the network because of it's work on avatar design.

1135 AM

As the internal discussion pages are predominantly pink we have had to lift the Anti Porn Filter from these pages as it was causing problems for users.


....

As you may all know, yesterday the university had a series of areal photographs taken of each campus for publicity purposes. The proofs were delivered today and on the main campus photographs, in one of the Department of Agriculture's fields, large white letters were apparent on the ground which read 'Crime pays'. In the next field were the words 'More than educashun'.
When the security staff were sent to investigate and remove the letters, they found that the letters had been formed out of the stolen crime prevention materials from the break-in at their office a few days ago.
On their return to the security office they discovered that it had been broken into yet again and the computer and phone that had previously been stolen had been returned. It is not known if anything else is missing. This all occurred in broad daylight earlier today. If anyone has any information please contact the security office, you can now do so by telephone or email.

Thank you

Plato when you have a moment can you come and see me please.

We have just had a letter from NASA rejecting a research proposal you apparently submitted a couple of months ago with the title of 'Measurement of supernova background radiators with particular reference to spring theory' asking for $12 million research funds.
Apart from suggested typographical errors like spring instead of string etc they appear to have been particularly concerned and exercised by the fact that the section about observatory equipment required comprises of, and I quote:

"1 x 12 inch plastic ruler.
1 x 200 inch deeply spaced reflector kaleidoscope
1 x small pocket notebook
2 x pencils (HB)"

I think we need to talk.

In confidence

Last night the university security office was broken into. A computer, telephone and 3 boxes of crime prevention materials were stolen. If anyone saw anything suspicious last night please report it to the security office in person as they can't receive phone calls or emails at the present time.

You may have noticed a fracas by the front gates involving the workmen who have been digging a service trench for the last week.

The workmen arrived this morning to continue their work to find a letter taped to their hut. The contents of the letter said that some students dressed as police officers would try to get them out of the hole as a prank.

It would appear that someone then phoned the police and said some students, who were pretending to be workmen, were digging up the road as a prank.

The incident lasted just over an hour before it was resolved.

Any information ....

Just a thought - you can meet me by coming to one of my spiffing workshops on the 4th March in Fleet Street in London. Look here

"No you may not start your own institute"
"I don't care whether you do have a great name for it"
"Nor a natty logo either"
"Citing the tenet of academic freedom won't change my mind"
"Nor will the fact that when you mentioned it to the Vice Chancellor's and the College Principles wives at the College Dinner dinner last night they said they would back it"
"No, uniforms will not help"
"I don't care what they look like or what colours they come in"
"I am sure that you will get lots of students, you seem to be good at collecting those, the answer is still no."
"Please get up off my floor"
"How much for what?"
"No you can't bribe me - that's not enough anyway"
"No"
"Where are you going to get funding from???"
"Er I don't think...., look if you can get it then good luck to you"
"I have nothing against the Samaritans, I just don't think that they will fund a research institute into career suicides in academia."
"What??? Are you serious? Hang on let me look, I do hope that you are joking...."
"Oh bloody hell! How the f*** did you get this put on the Senate Papers for next week??"
"What people in high places???"
"Oh no.......I feel ill"

Dear Dr. Platothefish

Thank you for your suggestions and interest in the 'Partner University' scheme as per the Vice-Chancellor's memo of 2nd February 2008.

Under the category 'Partner in an Under Developed Country' the steering committee decided that your suggestion of Harvard University did not suit the category.

Under the category of 'Twin Partner - the university most allied to our current structure and purpose', the committee decided that the University of Baghdad might not be a suitable choice.

We thank you for your interest in the scheme and hope that you don't see this as a rejection of your ideas, but rather as a consequence of very high standards of suggestions received by the committee.


"I hadn't considered that this might be a rejection until you mentioned it"

Whilst I can probably guess the answer to this, would someone mind telling me who was it that convinced the university Chaplin that it might be a good idea to offer baptisms in the fish pond this summer during the graduation ceremony? I know that he was accused of a lack of creativity in the university newspaper by some students last month but this is not good.

His 'creative idea,' that he has apparently been told by a "source close to the staff" 'has the backing of a large number of members of staff' is currently on agenda for the next Senate meeting.
Removing the paper will cause offence as will refusal. As you can see this puts the Senate in a difficult situation...

In response to your email, no you cannot be allocated a larger lecture room. The one you are in holds over 120 students. You, officially at least, only have about 35 on your course.
I was going to ask where all the others have come from, but I don't think I would like the answer.

Your 'super heroes' have just cleaned and weeded half of the garden area outside of the VC's office block. There is a neat line down the centre of the lawn and flower beds. One side is neat and clean and the other side is a mess. Can you enlighten me as to the reason for this? Are we going to have to do the other half?
Plato please, please tell us what is going on. It is driving me demented. People all over the campus are talking about this. PLEASE tell us.

"Welcome home. Whilst you were in Riyadh nothing happened. Just thought that you might like to know that a couple of people mentioned it. Well when I say nothing, that's nothing except lots of super heroes doing good deeds. What is that about? "


"Lot's of Super heroes?"


"Yes they appear to be replicating. I keep trying to count them but they won't stand still long enough! I asked one how many there were and she just shrugged. Please tell me what's going on. I won't tell anyone, I promise"

"Can you keep a secret?"

"Defiantly, yes."

"Good, well done"

"Sorry?"

"Well done, there aren't many people who can. You know what?"

"What?"

"I can keep a secret as well"

To: Platothefish,
From: Head of Registry
Subject: Student numbers
Text: Hi Plato. I don't want this to become a big issue nor do I really want to appear on your blog. However we have heard that you are teaching students that are not enrolled on your course. Can you confirm if this is indeed the case as it has repercussions in terms of student registrations, fees , risk assessments etc. etc.

xxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Head of Registry

Dear xxxxxxxxxx
Can I just ask a question before I answer? As the lecture rooms are provided for students educational purposes what would happen if some students decided to extend their education by staying behind after their lecture? Further would your answer change if they stayed behind whilst another lecture was happening if they were not being disruptive. Also what if some students (as happens) got lost and ended up in the wrong lecture but decided to stay? Also...

Platothefish


Dear Plato,
I was afraid of this. I suppose the answer, if this is what is happening, nullifies any concerns. However if it occurred systematically it could be a problem. Thank you.

xxxxxxxxx

Platothefish
I know that your expertise is Ambiguity but would you mind putting the campus out of it's misery. Why were 70-80 students all dressed in black suits masks and red capes marching as a military body through the campus to your lecture room this morning? Also I thought that you had 35 students. You now appear to be teaching at least double that. What's going on?

xxxxxxxxxxxx Head of School

I doubt I can put the campus out of it's misery. That would likely take copious quantities of barbiturates or some other such overdose.


As for the student numbers I hadn't noticed. I will endevour to look up next time I teach and count them.

Plato you'll never guess what. You know old fusty face Mcxxxxxx (Head of Social Networking) over in Humanaties? Then old sly dog has joined an online dating agency. For some reason the old duffer has done something wrong and all his emails are coming through to the entire department! He is such a dragon no one dare tell him.
Anyway would you believe it he is chatting some woman up who is actually responding. I don't know what his profile is like but it must be a lie for a live woman to respond!

Mums the word. I'll keep you posted.

Hi,
You know I told you about xxxx (Head of External Relations) and the online dating thing? Well we all just got this email sent around the group. I can't believe she still doesn't know that we are all getting the emails.

Dear xxxxxx
You sound very nice. I think that we have a lot in common. I too work in a university. I too am head of a department. Like you I am looking just for some companionship and someone who understands me. We are about the same age. I also like going for long walks and so much more. I do hope that you favour me with a reply.

Yours xxxxxxx

Please don't tell anyone.

Yesterday the Mayor had a private meeting with the University Board. This meeting was not advertised nor was it in the university diary. However when the mayor arrived a group of about 20 - 30 people dressed in black suits, masks and red capes lined the entrance as a 'guard of honour' and saluted as he entered the main campus. Nothing else happened and the 'guard' disappeared before security could be notified. We are at a loss of what to say to the mayor about this behaviour on an unofficial visit...

My lecture follows platothefish's in lecture room b. I opened the door this afternoon to find him lecturing a room full of people dressed in black suits, masks and red capes. Oddly I thought he only had 37 students on his module. Lecture room B holds over 100 people and it was full. What is he up to?

Plato would you care to comment?

"No"

Hi Plato,
I have been told (I should have guessed really) that you have something to do with the four masked crusaders who descended from nowhere this morning and helped me to get my car started, by pushing it. I have just seen one of them stop the traffic to let an old dear across the road outside the main site much to the amusement of the drivers and a group of workmen doing some road works. There also appears to be a couple of them sitting in a bush outside my office.
I will probably regret asking but why do we have a legion of masked and caped super heroes wandering around the site helping people and hiding in bushes?

Brian

The VC just mentioned to me that he was a little surprised to find someone staring at him through his office window at 8.30 this morning wearing a black suit, mask and cape, not least because his office is on the second floor.
Do you know anything about this?

Hi Platothefish,

I was 'rescued' today by two super heroes dressed in black suits, masks and red capes. I must say they were very helpful when I was struggling with a plie of very heavy boxes. Everyone else just watched me struggle but these two shifted to lot for me. They then vanished without a word afterwards. Your students perchance??

Natalie

Why are your class all wearing black suits and red capes?

Email doing the rounds - quickly...

Don't tell anyone else and I mean ANYONE but it would appear that the Head of External Relations has been signed up for an online dating agency without her knowledge, with a full profile, photo and everything! She is trying to keep it secret for some reason. The odd thing is she hasn't cancelled the subscription and is getting lots and lots of emails. The funny thing is all the emails are also being sent to the rest of the department as a secondary email address on the profile and I am sure she doesn't know! Whoever wrote the ad is very clever, the whole profile is very ambiguousm it gives no real details but is working a treat. I thought she was a lot chirpier than normal. But please don't tell a soul....

Oh Ok - Shhhhhhhh...

Health & Safety Risk Assessment

Name: Platothefish
Dept: Ambiguity and vagueness
Date: 04/02/08
Event: Lecture
Location or site: Lecture room B
Nature of Risk: That the students might learn something, especially critical thinking.
Who is affected?: My students, the cleaner, a few lab rats and society at large
What has been done to minimise the risk?: I will talk quietly and will try not cause them to think too much
Is a first aid trained member of staff available?: Will a humanitarian aid trained person do?
Is a fire marshal available?: I promise not to play with matches
Has someone from HR H&S executive examined the risk: What of? Learning? I doubt it.
Does the university insurance policy cover this event?: Yes/No ...... you tell me
Is travel involved? If so by what medium? Yes, the students need to enter the room via the door and walk to their seats. Some may levitate of course. I may have a couple of spiritualists in the student body but I am not sure about mediums, do we collect such data?
Is your direct manager aware of this event and has he/she approved of the event?: I did wake him up and tell him, however the vodka appeared to have taken it's toll. He certainly approves of being left alone.
Have you received approved training for this event? Well I learnt to walk and talk all by my self, my mum appeared to approve at the time.

.... and so on for another 23 questions.... I might just manage to get to retirement age before I ever have to work again.

"Please note that the last communications about Health and Safety Risk Assessments were sent out in error, an early draft copy having been circulated instead of the correct version. This will be circulated next week. Could staff please not conduct any more risk assessments or forward them to HR until the new policy has been circulated."


Hi Platothefish - HR has apparently been flooded with literally 100's of Risk Assessment forms today. There is some suspicion that a number of them were filled out by students. I am sure (& hope) that this wasn't the case - was it?

On entering the School of Mathematics this morning a life sized zebra and antelope was found blocking the entrance to the Game Theory Department. Whilst we welcome this contribution to our research, Game Theory has not until this morning involved the investigation of animals from Africa, or any other animals for that matter. The said items can be collected from the Head of Schools office.

Health and Saftey Policy - Risk Assessments

...You are required to carry out a Health & Safety risk assessment for every situation where students, employees of the University, contractors and visitors may be exposed to University property, or are required to carry out an activity in the university confines. Additionally field trips and visits involving....

"Hello HR Admin"
"Hi it's platothefish here"
"Oh dear, please wait a minute whilst I contact my supervisor"
"What for?"
"It's just that...."
"I only want to ask a question"
"er - ok I suppose that will be ok"
"do you mean safe?"
"sorry?"
"Never mind. Now this health and safety policy you sent out this morning. Can I just check something?"
"Of course" (sounds relieved)
"I just want to check something. The way this is worded it seems to be saying that a risk assessment needs to be carried out if any human being does anything that is in anyway attached or connected university business or property."
"Oh no I am sure that's not the case"
"OK have you got the policy there?
"Of course" (sound of frantic paper sorting)
"So if I teach in a lecture theater do I have to carry out a risk assessment for example, according to the policy that is"
"I think so yes"
"OK and going by the policy if I am in my office I need to carry out a risk assessment?"
"ER yes I suppose so"
"Ok and if I have to file some paper in my filing cabinate I also have to carry out a risk assessment"
"Er well, I suppose if you follow the policy, strictly speaking, yes, but..."
"Ok so what about me. as an employee of the university of course using a piece of equipment at the university for example?"
"Oh yes that would defiantly be included. No doubt about that" (sounding more confident)
"So a piece of equipment like this telephone for example?"
"ER Oh dear"
"And if I happen, just going by this of course, to go to the toilet, a university provided toilet of course, then I would also have to carry out a risk assessment?"
"Oh dear, if you go by this then yes it does look like it doesn't it?"
"It certainly does"
"Indeed every act now appears to need a risk assessment."
"I see what you mean. I hadn't quite seen it like that."
"Ok can you tell your boss that I will have to cancel all my research and teaching for the rest of the term."
"Why?"
"To fill in all the risk assessments needed. I wouldn't want to breach university policy. I might get suspended or something."
"I will let her know your concerns. I think that there has been a mistake with the wording of the policy"
"I look forward to hearing from her. I am sorry I need to dash as I need to fill in a risk assessment so that I can open the three doors I need get through to get out of my office and go home for the weekend. I will email you the 5 or 6 I will need to get into work on Monday."
"Oh dear"

Re-organisation paper
"As part of the reorganisation it has been decided that because nanotechnology is only small, it would make sense in terms of economies of scale, to merge it with biotechnology"...

I can't wait to hear what they will do with cosmology.

Can someone answer the question of how the papers on the Tribalism Module of the proposed Organisational Culture Course that were sent to Teaching Committee this week had all of the references to tribalism changed to 'cannibalism' without anyone noticing? The module has of course been returned for corrections to be made...

Dear Dr. Platothefish

The Teaching Committee have returned your course description and materials. There is some concern about a case study you intend to use entitled 'Uses and Abuses of Power - Sole Use'. You may recall that the case study is a about a 'fictitious' Vice-Chancellor who requisitions the most elaborate and beautiful room at the Old Hall in the University and decrees that no one else is allowed to use the room apart from her. All other meetings booked for the room have to be rearranged or cancelled even if the room is not being used.
As we have such a room in the University and it's use has been restricted to Vice-Chancellor functions only it was felt that this was not a suitable subject for discussion with the students. You are therefore requested to construct another fictitious case study for use with your class.

Professor Plum
Dean of Learning and Preaching

Ring ring...
"Hello, Platothefish here, Ambiguity Faculty"
"Er hello, er is that, er, sorry, um the training department, please?"
"Hang on I'll have a look.... nope"
"Sorry?"
" I said no it's not the training department, I think that you have the wrong number"
"Oh I am awfully sorry er....."
"Yes?"
"Well you see I wanted, I am so sorry, to cancel my place on the er, um assertiveness workshop tomorrow"
"Oh, why is that?"
"Well er, it's a little bit difficult you see"
"Really"?
"Yes you see my, er, boss won't let me go I am afraid".
"Oh? You sound like the ideal candidate".
"Sorry?"
"Never mind"
"So I can't go, er you see, so I was, er ringing up to cancel"
"So let me get this straight. You can't make the assertiveness course because your boss said that you can't go?"
"Er yes, but now I, er, have dialled the, er wrong number, you see."
"That's ok. Listen what would happen if I said that you could attend"?
"Really"????
"Yes of course you can"
"But, er, oh dear. Do you think that it would be alright"?
"Yes of course"
"But my boss......"
"Is your boss there now"?
"Oh no he is away on a conference."
"Will he be there tomorrow?"
"Oh no he's not back until Monday".
"So go then"
"But..."
"Look by the time your boss gets back, you will be assertive and will be able to tell him where to go".
"Oh I see your point, it's only, er, he can get very nasty you know. My wife keeps telling me to stand up to him, but you know how it is, it's very difficult...."
"Ok let's do it this way. Your boss isn't here right now is he?"
"Er, no..."
"So I am giving you permission as someone who is here for you to do the course"
"Really????"
"Yes, really"
"Oh thank you so much. I was so worried about this, cancelling at such a late date and all that. Thank you so much.Er just one thing though..."
"Yes?"
"Won't I get into trouble"?
"No tell your boss that I said it was ok"
"Fantastic, thank you"
"Ok bye, enjoy the course, where is it being held?"
"In the forum"
"Where in the forum"?
"In Greengate Street".
"Where's that?"
"Oh right next door"
"Er Can I just ask where you are?"
"In Barrow-in- Furness of course"
"Barrow??"
"Yes"
"Who do you work for?"
"The council..."
"Oh that's ok then, yes tell them that Platothefish says it's fine."
"Thank you so much. I am glad that I spoke to you".
"Not half as glad as I am, Bye."
"Bye thank you again"
Ahmen

1025am
A large sign has appeared on the fencing surrounding the works of the Vice-Chancellor's Office block where workmen are strengthening the foundations of that block. The sign says "To view the philosophical foundations of the university please enter". We have not been able to remove the sign yet due to it's height. Please note that access into this area is not permitted for members of staff or students as this is a health and safety issue.


1035am
The last message was sent in error and should read
A large sign has appeared on the fencing surrounding the works of the Vice-Chancellor's Office block where work-persons....

The health care dept. has had to close due to a gastric illness. Every one is advised to ensure that their personal cleanliness is of the highest standard at this time to prevent the illness spreading. Anyone who has been in contact with the Health Care Dept. is asked not to go the the University Medical Department but to see their own private doctor if they have any concerns.

Approximately two dozen live chickens were found by security in the accounts office this morning. Each chicken had a colour photocopy of an 'Egg' credit card attached to one leg and a photograph of the Vice-Chancellors official new Lexus car attached to the other leg . We think that this was a protest at the budget restriction imposed at the start of the year to help to re-balance the Universities books before the year end. From the state of the office and the number of eggs found it would appear that the chickens must have been in the office since Friday. If anyone has any idea who did this or where the chickens came from please notify HR.

To Platothefish
From: Professor xxxxx
Subject: Scorecards
Plato I have just had this email. I know one of your things is teaching quality or rather the lack of it. Do you know anything about this? A number of staff have had these. The ones who got good marks, 5/10 and above are ok. A couple with 1 and 2/10 are kicking up a storm. I am not sure that we want to promote student power (which is another one of your 'things') at the moment.

email:

Hi Jake,
I have just finished a lecture and the students handed me a sealed envelope, inside was a score card with marks out of 10 for my last lecture, my teaching style, sense of humour, ease of understanding, boredom factor and a whole load more. I was a little perplexed. When I spoke to other members of the faculty they also have had these score cards. Where are they coming from? Are they official? They are properly printed. My final comment was 'Out to lunch'. What does this mean?

To: All Staff
From: Human Resources (Communications)
Subject: Effective Communication Workshop

Please note that the effective communication workshop has been cancelled because the emails sent to some of the delegates did not arrive on time and those that did arrive omitted the venue details, which hadn't been booked due to a clerical error.

XXXXxxxxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Head of Communications (HR)

Hi Plato,
I don't think anyone has noticed yet but the happy new year piece on the front of the uni's website has now got a grim reaper instead of old father time. Nice one. Happy new year!

"Welcome back Plato. You have been missed by everyone except probably the bean counters, admin and the senior management. Now I mention these three because I have been approached by all three of them over the last week. HR have asked that you are controlled properly, words like 'off the wall', 'makes life hard' and 'dangerous', were used. The other two both mentioned that 'openly questioning and showing up the decisions made' is 'awkward'. The message from them is for you to behave and tow the line.
One senior manager did mention the fact that your students catch your 'sense of humour and brand of critical thinking' and suggested that you 'concentrate on instilling discipline and teaching your subject. The problem is now that we can't tell if a 'stunt' is his or a students and we even suspect other members of staff of colluding and questioning the status quo'.
An example given were the posters that appeared last week advertising the Directorate Christmas Party - all friends welcome. To be held in the telephone box next to the university Vice Chancellors Office. It is no longer safe to assume that you are directly responsible.

The message quietly and privately from the rest of the university is to keep going. Merry Christmas Plato.

Hi Plato,
I must say that buying a dozen ducks for a family in the third world for Christmas for the Deputy VC is a very generous gift. Putting live copies of all twelve of them in his office last night might not have been the best career move ever. I had no idea that duck poo could go that far!

Whilst everyone else thinks that it is funny and has certainly given people something to smile about I have a sneaking suspicion he has had a bit of a sense of humour failure and has asked to see you before you leave today. May I suggest a little humility and an apology.
When the hell did you get them from?

Daniel

Interdepartmental email
To: All Staff
From: Head of Registry
Date: 19th December 2007

University Prospectus Error

We have just been informed about an error discovered in the new 2008 University prospectus. Although the final draft went through the various levels of checking and proof reading it would appear that the prospectus advertises a degree course and a faculty that does not exist at the university. The Deputy Vice-Chancellor is investigating how this has happened. However as the print run was completed and the prospectuses had been sent out before the error was noticed we can not recall or reprint it at this stage. So please be advised that if any prospective student contacts any member of staff asking for 'The Obvious Thought Faculty' (sic) or inquires about a full honours modular degree course entitled ' Silo thinking and it's effect on Higher Education' please advise them that this is a printers error, and that neither the faculty nor the course exists.

The final proofs that were sent to the University Print Service did not contain these two additional pages. It is suspected that the pages inserted whilst it was in the print room, after final checking and before the print run. If anyone has any information as to how this error might have occurred could they please contact the Deputy Vice-Chancellor.

Mr. xxxxxxx xxxxxx
Head of Registry

And I thought that some departments in the University added little value. My faith in HR has been restored...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 08 February 07

From: HR
To: All staff and Students

Subject: Adverse weather policy

New Policy Number: 2054/07 - Adverse Weather Policy

At times of adverse weather like snow all employees who cannot travel into work should work from home.

HR Policy unit

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Platothefish,
Whilst I admire your energy, high production rate of papers and your wide range of interests , questions are being asked about your attendance at conferences. The university is committed to providing travel and accommodation cost for all academics who are publishing papers at conferences.
It has been noticed however the the conferences you are presenting at all appear to be in somewhat exotic locations; Hawaii, Sydney, Hong Kong, Manila, Wellington, Santa Barbara to name just a few planned for this year.
Some of your proposed article titles are also starting to raise interest and comment from within the university. I refer to:

• Leadership problem solving in British Higher Education: The case of the missing leaders.
• Problem solving skills within the HR profession in academia: A study of learned helplessness.
• An examination of creative leadership practices in Higher Education: Innovation or habit?

For example. Can we have a chat this week please?

Ben

To: All staff
From: Registry.

Applicants

We have had 17 applicants for a 'Masters in The Ancient Management Secrets of the Goths' run by a entity called 'The School of Academic Leaderslip' (sic) at this University. If anyone has any information as to where this fictitious course is being advertised please let the registry know so that the appropriate action can be taken.

xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx-xxxxxx
Head of Registry

1610 Monday

As there appears to be considerable confusion a full new set of competencies will be issued within the next month. Please disregard all previous versions .

Assistant Director of HR

1450 Monday


Please note Please check your competency folders. It would appear that a series of non official competencies have been distributed as amendments some time ago and people have updated their folders with the wrong competencies, including the set that was an official set distributed last week in error with a printing error. Please remove all non official competencies and those sent out in error last week.

Director of HR

1355 Monday

Please note that the HR management communication competencies that have been circulated today are not official competencies which are confidential to HR. Like the non official management competencies these should be destroyed forthwith and not passed on. If anyone has any information where these are coming from please inform HR forthwith.

Director of HR

1310 Monday

Further to my memo earlier today

The official management competencies are the correct competencies not the ones that look like the official management competencies but are not. Please only destroy the non official management competencies. The real official management competencies must not be destroyed.

Director of HR

1215 Monday
Intercampus communication to all staff.

It would appear that a set of University Management Competencies have been circulating around the staff. Whilst these look official and appear to have been drafted by HR, they are not. Would staff please destroy them forthwith and not propagate them further.

Director of HR